I began writing my first blog 18 months ago after the passing of my husband. It started as a place to dump the overwhelming feelings of grief; a place to assign words to a pain that tried to drown me over and over again. I wrote for no one but me….I could have cared less if the most vulnerable words I’ve ever written were boring, meaningless, or crass to anyone. Those words helped heal my wilting soul. I still go back and read my old blog posts and, while I don’t ever want to feel what I felt in those moments, there’s something about them that makes me appreciate how alive I am today. With my transition from that place to this place on the waves of grief has come a time for my writing to follow suit. It’s time to write about my road ahead-about the scenery, the detours, the people met in passing, and those brave enough to ride with me. So really, who is this girl in that place doing those things?
I’m the girl who doesn’t reflect so much on which came first the chicken or the egg….it’s more questioning if I didn’t take Ambien would my online shopping choices of American flag cowboy boots and a pair of sweat pants that hail “hungover” down the leg be the same? I’m not sure the answer matters because for whatever strange reason both of those items suit me…and I don’t know if I should laugh or be concerned or just let a concerned laugh slip out.
I’m the girl who wears the widow label, sitting on the cusp of 46, with one married child in her early 20’s living two states away, one child 70 something days away from graduating high school, and three children, to which step or bonus doesn’t offer a proper description to. I’m the girl who has tried dating-I’ve had a few good and several Saturday Night Live skit worthy ones. I’m the girl who wants, even craves intimacy but finds a million reasons and a million ways to push it away when it gets close. I cry on Sundays, listen to music too loudly, and look in the mirror to remind me that a smile is the best accessory a person can wear.
My hopes for this blog are that you visit when you can, share as you please, leave with a smile or a new outlook on this crazy life we inadvertently share, and continue my journey down this new road with my old, warm, memories of days passed intertwined with the beauty and confusion of today……