I have survived one week by myself….I mean it was only 7 days but I have a feeling it could have been 2 or 20 and I’d feel the same…
The sun rises and my day starts and eventually the sun sets and the day is over with. I work, cook dinner, fold laundry….it’s normal life. The difference is that now, I have nothing grounding me to this ordinary life; nothing defining how I fill the space between getting up and going to sleep….I’m the only one present. Being alone has never bothered me. It’s being lonely that robs my heart of beats. But, like so many things, it’s about finding a new groove, a new rhythm in the same life.
My life has changed ten fold the last two years. I’ve been wildly despairing, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know with certainty that just to be alive is a beautiful thing. There is so much beauty out there and so much of it lies on the other side of change; at the finish line of an uncomfortable journey that most times we’re never sure how we got involved with.
Change…..I don’t believe that things happen for a reason-my brain can not wrap itself around the notion that pain has value assigned to it. I think that life is all about timing. I’ve been in situations I knew weren’t where I needed to be and I’ve talked myself in and out of things that could have been avoided altogether had I just taken a few moments in time to listen to the way my heart beat when I thought about them. What we cling to, what we let go-it’s all about the when and not so much the how.
Sometimes the timing of change is the realization that you can love a painting at one time but that doesn’t mean it has to hang on your wall forever…..it’s ok to change and grow, even outgrow situations or people. And, sometimes, life’s timing is like “hey lets dump your junk drawer on a trampoline and see how well you can get your shit back together”. Don’t you worry about me, life, I’m going to put on two sports bras, climb on that trampoline, and bounce back with all my shit back in the drawer…..like I always do.
I feel like tumbling through another life change has smoothed out my edges a little more. I’ve been able to look at who I am and what kind of vulnerable I’m willing to be. Every change removes another layer and brings me that much closer to things I’ve all but written off. I’ve become reacquainted with the fact that we attract what we’re ready for and I’m thankful I listened to the timing of my life so I could thoroughly enjoy and appreciate the steel on my magnet.
As I move clumsily along my life’s new course I’m certain I’m making mistakes that will hopefully turn to wisdom one day. I’m still not sure if I should chase dreams or attempt to stay grounded and I don’t know if I should stick my foot in the pool or just admire it from the comfort of my chair. What I am sure of, is that I’m living, living my life in forward motion because that’s what life is…..it’s a verb but, then again, so is the word change….