Today, someone I adore, told me that I’m the only person in our building that comes into the office and wants nothing more than to laugh and be happy. Being humbly myself I shoulder shrugged and giggled. When I got back to my office I thought about it for a bit. In my head my life is a fucking chaotic mess of memories and constant looking behind me to grab the baton and finish the relay race between time and change all while keeping up with the revolving door of struggles and tiny victories-I’m not sure how it doesn’t show through my eyes. But truly, at the end of the day when I lay alone drifting between reality and sleep, I really am happy. And maybe it’s just enough happy to keep all the head clutter neatly stowed in the overhead container.
I have such mixed emotions about leaving here. I’m leaving behind a place I never wanted to be that took something wonderful away from me but ended up giving me back more me than I could have ever imagined. It’s definitely not the geography, weather, or isolation that inspired me the last two years. Its been the perfect mixture, the perfect balance of people and experiences.
I took a giant leap of faith when I went to work on base. I took a huge pay cut and wasn’t even sure what the hell I was doing but it felt right in my gut so I jumped. When my feet hit the ground I found myself falling in love with everything again and once my smile came back I knew I was going to be okay. That’s the reflection people see….they see the smile of a girl who trusted herself enough to grow wings on the way down and never look back
I have laughed until I’ve cried and I’ve cried until I was able to laugh again, I’ve become part of peoples families- I’m at their table for Sunday dinner and at their kids birthday parties. I’ve never been without a place that feels like home. I’m enamored by the people who get my movie quotes, random memes, and sarcastic banter. The girlfriends that know what to say when I need it most and chat about everything and nothing. And then, there are those that light a spark….Curiosity? Chemistry? Timing? I have no explanation but I really don’t need one-some things should just be enjoyed in silence from afar.
I don’t know that I’ve had a bad experience here. I have certainly attracted what I was ready for and have fallen in love with lots of people for so many different reasons. Some people have pulled my hair towards adventure and showed me what it’s like to inhale again. Others have reminded me what carefree fun and silliness feel like. One or two have shown me that I’m very much alive and when I’m ready I’ll use that flickering spark within me to light some souls on fire. I’ve learned a lot about managing expectations and had plenty of realizations that not everything is meant to be something more than what it is in that moment. So again, no bad experiences just solid building blocks that have helped me see above my circumstances to a whole new life.
I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about leaving here but this town will always be too small for all the dreams held inside my head. So even though I’m torn between the past and familiar and an urge for the foreign and strange I know it’s time to go and bring all the tightly held memories with me-every laugh, tear, and feel good moment. Seasons change, people change, and what a wildly wonderful confusion it is when the two collide…..