This Girl That Place

Bored on a plane, a plane with no WiFi. So I do what any internet deprived person would do- I try all my apps to see if maybe one of them would magically work, like as if my phone was blessed and a technology miracle was going to happen before my eyes on flight 3786. And you’re correct, it did not happen. So I went to the emergency entertainment source and scrolled through the pictures on my non miracle producing phone. 97 scrolls later I look for something else to mess with and there it was, the memories option. I’ll be damned if it didn’t string together 139 pictures that each told an individual story from the last 6 months. I can tell you what is behind every grin, grimace, and quote. What a fucking fantastic life I have that there are that many sequential moments of bliss, of my reasons why. And, if I didn’t know better, I’d think I never stop smiling. But it’s more than a smile- it’s my soul peeking through those breathless moments.

I’ve written about how I view souls as deep, and wild. It’s one of the tops three things I notice about a person. I think whatever we are craving in our own lives we find in the souls of others- we’re drawn to them like a magnet to steel. It’s like we look for the good and what matches our needs and wants in subtle and even subconscious ways. For me it’s people who have some depth and aren’t afraid to show it, to talk about ideas and goals instead of the “in” thing trending that moment. Its who make me smile like an idiot in an airport terminal full of people through nothing more than a text exchange and an emoji are like oxygen. The doers, the optimist, the lost, the ones who believe in the magic of their own dreams even if it’s only why they’re sleeping….those are the souls I want to wrap myself in. If they were a pool I’d dive head first and pray I never reach the bottom.

Being acutely aware of what I’m drawn to has the natural converse of questioning what my soul, what my steel beam is wrapped in that attracts or detours. The initial reaction to self reflection is to look for what isn’t pleasing to us. We go straight for the things that have the ability to make us feel less than and not worthy. I think that until we learn some self love that’s what we wrap around our beam and we attract those things that aren’t right or even good for our souls. When we’re lonely or feeling less than our hearts are so hungry they can’t help but eat whatever it’s given- the good, the bad, and the defeating. So much of how we see ourselves is how we think others see us.

I’ve always believed that love is the purest form of forgiveness. We want someone to forgive our 10 extra pounds or the way we snort when we laugh too hard. We want someone to run their fingers across the pages we’d love to rip from the chapters of our life and want to know more instead of close the book. We seek acceptance and from that acceptance comes comfort and the ability to exhale. Why don’t we do all these things for ourselves as an act of self love?

I was forced into being alone and For as painful and awful as that can be it allowed me to get to know myself for the first time in my adult life. I took inventory and got rid of all the head clutter. It was in that process I learned to appreciate my fucking dope soul that is tied to a brain that thinks amazing things and thinks too much and it’s tied to eyes that seek out the beautiful and complicated and most of all my soul is tied to who I want to be and who I want to be with. It wasn’t until all the cleanings was done that I had room for so many good things to come in and stay. My beam was finally wrapped in the strangely wonderful things that I wanted to get back.

We all deserve to forgive ourselves, we deserve to silence the talk in our heads that keep us feeling less than. We have different types of souls that have the ability to attract beautiful things into our lives. If you don’t think you can you’re wrong- giant redwood trees are pretty but so are Christmas lights and they look nothing alike. The greatness of what you have to offer and receive is more than you realize most days. Stop discounting yourself and being ok with sitting on the clearance rack- You are comfort food for not only your soul but for others too….