This Girl That Place

I’ve read countless times, across all types of print, that being grateful is the key to happiness. I’d like to believe that I wake up everyday with a gracious heart. It’s natural to be thankful for people you have in your life, a job, a roof over your head-all the things that provide us comfort and perspective. What about the things that make us uncomfortable? What about the things that bring us to the point of surrender?  I think I’m more grateful to life for teaching me all the things I never wanted to learn like surviving. It’s been in those moments that I’ve played hide and seek with the person I was meant to be. It’s in those moments that I found what it means to be at the brink of surrendering. And it’s been in those moments that I found one more step, one more breath, and one more sunrise will set you free.

I’m not sure at what point in our lives we look at life and set the expectation of living a life void of pain. The absence or avoidance of pain isn’t always an indicator of a good life.  Have you ever said “why does this keep happening?” It feels like you’re stuck in a rut repeating a pattern of some sort. I see it with others and I’ve certainly lived it for myself.  How about the relationship phenomenon of “I always pick the wrong person”  From my own experience there are no right or wrong people. It’s more about how we feel about ourselves and what our motives are that drive our choices.  When I’m right with myself and truly open to experiences I tend to make better decisions overall. When I have an agenda or place my self worth in the hands of someone else then I get exactly what I’m looking for- disappointment and more self doubt than I care to deal with.

Life….the universe….will keep giving you situations and opportunities to grow until, well,  you do. Those who expect moments of change to be comfortable and free of conflict haven’t learned their history. If you aren’t learning and growing from the things that make up your past, the things that make up your personal history, you’re doomed to repeat it. It takes an immense amount of self awareness to look inside for the solution to your own problems and it isn’t easy. It’s painful and it takes a level of personal accountability that most have no interest in.

One of the fundamental mistakes we make when it comes to self awareness is breaking ourselves apart and finding pieces we don’t like or that don’t fit the way we think they should. That’s not what it’s about at all. If anything we should break ourselves open and look at what we have to offer with loving eyes. Sometimes what we discover is painful and it can feel overwhelming. But, we’re not perfect and to expect anything else is madness. I’m fascinated that we tolerate more shit from people who mean little to nothing to us than we do from ourselves. Show me the blueprint of your life that says if you aren’t doing this by a certain time or if you royally fuck things up how nothing can ever be right again. It doesn’t exist!  Break your own heart if you need to so the pain can remind you that you’re alive and that you have a chance to change your life every single day. Find or redefine your purpose like you were meant to give life to the stars and light to the moon. Every bit of everything you are meant to be is inside you right now you just have to love it, believe in it, and let it grow.

I think I’ve only discovered the beginning of who and what I’m meant to be. The past has a way of pushing and pulling me in a thousand different directions if I let it. There are days I run with open arms towards the wild unknown ready to have it all and there are days that I’m ok with sitting in silence and letting life take me in for a change. Sometimes I can’t tell people how much they mean to me fast enough and other times I hide love in my heart scared that the one it’s intended for will discover it.  I have only dreams and hope  for tomorrow and in all that uncertainty I’m 100% certain of these few things- every morning we have the chance to be different. We have the chance to change. A chance to be better. Your past is your past. Leave it there. It’s time to get on with a future past….