This Girl That Place

I read a meme the other day that said “It’s tonight already? What’s next, tomorrow? F*ck this”. One of the most relatable things I’ve seen to date. I have a weird relationship with time as it is so isolation with a sprinkle of uncertainty on top is the recipe for either self discovery or self destruction. Maybe it’s the way you mix the ingredients in your head that determines the outcome….I guess we’ll find out soon enough.

I gave up on the idea that things happen for a reason. It never made sense to me. Children don’t suffer or die for a plausible reason that I can think of and, I can guarantee you, that Ken didn’t die so I could sit at a Mexican restaurant in Minot, ND choking back tears over a plate of tacos while filling his place at one of his kids birthday dinners.

Trying to assign a value to things, especially soul wrenching things, feels messy and it opens us up to take things personally. It allows the why me’s to drift us down stream into the victim mentality pool where treading water can easily become part of us. Sometimes, shit just happens- it happens whether you’re a sinner or a saint, whether you’ve been kind to others or one hell of an asshole to deal with. It doesn’t discriminate and it comes and goes as it pleases. If anything, I think events and experiences that unfold in our life are about timing.

There would have never been enough time with Ken-not in this lifetime or the next. But, he loved me so completely and straightened up so many crooked pieces inside of me that when he left I was able to eventually stand on my own in ways I wasn’t able to before he came into my life. He was the perfect person at the perfect time from day one. I don’t think timing is always about us or based on the hour and minute hand of our internal clock. I think we are part of other peoples stories as a main character, a supporting role, a villain, a hero- whatever that may look like- we are there in those moments of time to create, fix, hurry along, or change history. Opportunities, second and third chances, people, situations, words said and unsaid…..they are all about timing….the good, the bad, and the yet to be determined.

Time gives us space to heal and it can also rip our chests open when a date on a calendar causes memories of a life no longer known to roll down our cheeks. 15 minutes can fly by when you’re getting just one more good bye kiss and that same 15 minutes can feel like a lifetime when you’re waiting for test results. Time has the ability to make us want more of it, beg to forget it, keep the past alive, give hope to tomorrow, and make us want to go back. Time will take all you have to give it and never make a promise of more than the moment we’re in.

Time can feel like a prison when the world has slowed down to a crawl and the distraction of an ordinary life is gone and time can make our memories gravitate towards only the good times and encapsulate a person in a time period that felt right and wonderful even though there are 150 reasons why that situation is no more. Time will try to drag you under when your head gets heavy and it will show us who and what is really important. Time is what we want the most but use the worst some days. The tick tock of passing time will never stop and appreciating that we have to use those minutes as they arrive has to be a priority because the best times haven’t even happened yet because life doesn’t happen all at once. In the unsettled state of my world right now, I’ll do my best to ride the hour hands of my lifes clock and remember that what’s happening now deserves all of my attention.

XO,

Rach