This Girl That Place

There’s a Swedish word that I’m enamored with, Lagom. It means neither too little or too much, just right. I actually have that definition blown up in a 24×36 picture that hangs on the wall above my bed. That word, that principle can be applied to so many things in life, in my life……#goals

If you asked me to describe myself I would most likely use words like messy, nerdy, awkward, and that I can be the dumbest smart person some days. Why those are at the top of my list has everything to do with the inward view I think most of us have of ourselves. I know the thoughts that engulf my brain that hide behind my smile and I feel the intensity of insecurities as they start to creep in and smother situations. I’m the one that has to meet myself at the corner of Stop Bullshiting Yourself Ave and It’s Time to Make Changes St. and make sure I turn the corner in the right direction. I’m the one that has to bite my lip to keep it from quivering when I’m feeling less than brave. Most of all, I know who I am at my core and I get frustrated with that same person when I feel like I’m learning the same lessons over and over but, I love that person no matter how messy or awkward or dumb I am. Some days I’m too little of one thing and too much of another.

Have you ever been so wrapped up in your own thoughts that you thought your head would pop off if you didn’t say or do something right in that moment? Yeah, me too, and those are the moments I should have said absolutely nothing. Notice how I referenced “should have”? Even at 49 I struggle with the want to address something and the need to leave things unsaid. I consider myself to be emotionally dialed in and a very self aware but, I’m also a ruggedly flawed human. I believe we all go through things where our ability to rationalize before we react is absent. More often than not it’s all insecurity based. An action or a situation flips a switch inside us, and before we can count to .5, we’ve opened our mental filing cabinet that houses every wrongdoing, perceived or not, and we’re throwing papers and references from our ex files all over the place. We make big fucking messes and create a lot of paper cuts. Outburst: 1 Logical conversation: 0

So stuff happens, we react, and sometimes we have to eat a big shit sandwich. The comeback is always better than the setback, right? Wouldn’t it be nice it that were the truth every time. We learn grace by scraping away our egos and exposing pockets of vulnerability. The best we can offer anyone is to be authentic in our explanations of ourselves and our actions. People have to make decisions for themselves whether or not they’re willing to except the raw and the real. Maybe their own internal struggles are greater than their willingness to understand you. Not every person is going to be your person regardless of what type of relationship you’re in. None of us need to be in a place where our sins are reheated for breakfast-if people leave, let them stay gone.

Your worth, your price tag, that isn’t determined by reaction, rejection, desire, or words from another person. Please, please don’t put yourself on the clearance rack because someone didn’t like your stitching or the way your fabric felt in their life. Every fiber of messy, awkward, nerdy, wonderfulness that is woven into who you are will be the perfect fit for the right person, for the next person meant for you- even if they’re only with you as you transition from one part of your journey to the next. Get your ass in the front window display and live with the conviction that someone will walk by and know that they can’t live without you in their life.

Life doesn’t come with a receipt or a proof of purchase- there are no refunds. I’ve had experiences that mirror a Shamwow infomercial purchase and others that resemble my favorite pair of shoes (and I have quite a few of those). There are time periods, both long and short, that I wish I could return or at least recycle into something useful but, I guess they’ve taught me about investing my time and energy into things not meant for me. I’ll treat those experiences like the potato masher they are and stick them in the drawer where I’m sure they’ll get in the way of my growth process every now and again.

We’ll always be too much of one thing or not enough of another for people. I think there’s a little safety in that once you realizes that you don’t want to be for everyone anyway- even when we have our hearts and minds convinced otherwise. We all have jumbled parts within us that we try to balance like spinning plates on sticks. But there’s some beauty in that chaos- especially if you like all the ingredients. When we stop looking at what we’re not and what we need to change to “make” someone like us the way we want them to we’ll find something magical in those spaces. Your life becomes a masterpiece when you learn to master peace. We are who we are and we’ll be exactly who we need to be for those brave enough to embrace our beautiful chaos. Our worlds will be just right- they’ll be lagom.

XO,

Rach