On the turn of a dime I found myself back in North Dakota last week to bring support of some type to a chaotic situation that sits close to my heart. As the miles lessened and the landing gear dropped on my last flight, I could feel the pressure building up inside of me. It had been two years since I was there but the minutes during that final descent took me back five years to a life and a place I miss more often than not. Unbuckling my seat belt, grabbing my backpack, and standing up to exit the plane took more emotional strength than I had anticipated. I felt like I was gambling, like I was placing a bet on double zero’s, with the sanity and peace I’ve worked so hard to build up.
Life is so weird. We’re all out here minding our own business and then bam….a date on the calendar, a zip code, a seeing certain type of vehicle, a song, the way something smells….all of it takes you back to a place and space in time and in an instant the solid foundation you’re standing on transforms into complete mush. Why is it so easy to think your way into feeling a certain kind of way but getting out well, that’s not so easy. If only things were as simple as fixing a phone you dropped in the toilet. Put it in a bowl of rice then try turning it off and back on again. That’s also the best relationship advice I have to give.
We don’t have control over external influencers. Cars are going to drive by, songs are going to play, and days are going to pass. I think the key to managing it all is through our thoughts and we should be selecting those like we do our clothes every day. Our mind is truly all we have control over. We tend to do this dumb thing of making a habit out of waiting- waiting for the right time or waiting for approval from the right person before we make changes to our mindset. Big dick energy shouldn’t wait for a damn thing. Say hello, say good bye, grab a first kiss, give a last kiss, extend forgiveness, laugh, apologize, enjoy the moment- you literally have nothing more and nothing less than now. When you change the quality of your thoughts, your life starts to change and which direction that goes is entirely up to you.
Destination addiction is a preoccupation with the idea that happiness is in the next place, the next job, and with the next partner and until you give up the idea that happiness is somewhere else, it’ll never be where you are. It’s like we’re living our life to just get to the end of it and not paying attention or giving credit to the string of events and details that fill the spaces between our beginning and our end. Even when things don’t turn out the way we pictured them or the way we wanted them to be that doesn’t mean that those experiences, those people, weren’t meant to be part of the patchwork quilt that makes up our lives. We have to learn to live, to breathe, to flow through all the moments.
My ATM pin is still the one my ex-husband and I created for our first joint account together 20+ years ago. There are people who I lost touch with who’s family members cross my mind. I still make chicken adobo like my high school boyfriends dad did. I have two t-shirts I wear to bed that I stole from someone I briefly dated three years ago. I smile thinking about having my ass whooped in Jenga and pool by someone who’s company I enjoyed but our places in life didn’t match. I send cards to people who were almost could have beens because I care about them on a different level. Our lives are made up of so many people and when people become part of our lives parts of then remain long after they leave. I’d like to believe that the converse happens and that I’m still a part of peoples lives that I have no idea about. Those are the details and the experiences that turn rejections, hurt, and all the looking back over your shoulder into something that meant something, into something that added some type of value to your life, and even if in hindsight some happiness.
The evolution that happens within a person, over time, is fascinating. I relish in the fact that what I wanted at 25 or 37 or even 45 isn’t close to what I want or where I am today. I’ll be boldly honest and say what I wanted 6 or even 3 months ago has changed. I’d like to think that evolution happens when you level up in some way (here we are back again to the quality of your thoughts). Sometimes that looks like boundaries and other times it’s what taking a hard look at your motivation looks like. Are your actions coming from a place where you’re anticipating a desired reaction? Or are you one of the rare ones that care for people and go the extra mile knowing you may never receive the same passion or effort in return? While I don’t think that there’s a one size fits all for every situation I think there’s something beautiful about being a giver, forgiver, and a selfless lover as often as you can. Don’t get me wrong, some situations deserve a little fuck you and fuck off as a means of self preservation but that’s what balance is all about, right? I believe that people can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves so I make a conscious effort to know who I am and what motivates me so I can keep reaching and growing and meeting souls that match mine that will help me keep leveling up. There will be people you play with and people you build with- know the difference.
Maybe it’s in leveling up in our quality of thoughts that we are able to become more emotionally mature and love in a different way. In a way without strings attached and in a way that makes us grateful that someone is there to accepts it. That maturity also leads to helping each other become more free with a sense of individuality. If you know me or my story you know that is the kind of man Ken was to and for me. He made sure I understood that someone who didn’t know how to love me made me see myself as messy and he took the time to work his hands ever so gently through every snarl until I felt lovable again. He truly appreciated me for who I am and that was incredibly freeing. I can tell you from first hand experience that when love flows with freedom it’s a beautiful thing. So for me it’s about rising up in love with someone vs falling in.
One day I will be an old woman with silver hair and colorful tattoos with eyes full of light and life and lots of wrinkles where smiles and laughs have lingered. I hope to have become the person who asks what your tears mean instead of just wiping them away and perhaps my one regret will be having spent too much time in the space between staying and letting go. I hope my soul has a few scars on it from living authentically and I can only wish that I didn’t exchange too many days for things that didn’t grow me. I want to never completely know sh*t about f*ck and stay curious. And mostly I hope that this freight train I call a life slowed to a crawl more times that I can count so I could sit under the moon, without a clock ticking in the back ground, and I got to talk about life and love and all the gold nuggets I found every time I shook my life through a sieve and dared to make a change.