Suffering a loss forced my mind and heart to shut completely down and then try to figure out how start up again with a way to go on; hoping that like my eyes my heart would find a way to adjust to the dark. When I was able to open my eyes again they saw the ordinary moments as some of the best moments on any given day- the holding in of a laugh that deserves to be out loud because I can barely contain my joy, the way sunshine feels when it hits my skin reminding me of how powerfully beautiful it is, the connections I have with people and how thoughts of them swirl around in my head like the sweet, velvety curves of a cinnamon roll. And this heart of mine- it still beats but it has yet to find a rhythm outside of it’s own to sync with. Learning to love the sound of my own heart beat and learning to recognize that happiness really isn’t anything large or grand but rather everyday joys all lined in a row has been one of the most beautiful transitions I’ve gone through.
Eyes that see the ordinary as extraordinary and a fairly content heart- these are two things that people seek and hope to find and I hold them in the palm of my hand. So why, why the restless feeling like I’m seeking things that I can’t even name? Do I continue to stand in the storm going on inside me and let the rain cover me while I wait for the sun to shine or do I find an umbrella to share or splash in puddles and let the water fill my shoes like the feeling of being lost fills my head? I’ve never ever known what to do with these things- these messy thoughts that rush over me. I sit at my keyboard and bleed words onto pages hoping that whoever reads it will feel something too so I don’t have to feel it alone. Other times I try to sit quietly and listen to the softness of my heart and try to comprehend that it’s the strongest thing in the world. Maybe this thing Im seeking….the thing I can’t put a name to is a missing fire. Falling in love with most anything is easy. Having sex is even easier. But someone who can spark your soul…..that shit is rare.
I’ve met people who are fascinating creatures that captivate my mind and have never so much as caught a glimpse of my heart. I’ve met others whose efforts weren’t much more pure than their intentions. But the ones who need to go find themselves before they can find me or anyone for that matter are the ones that leave me breathless- breathless because they have that spark in them and it glows brighter than they even realize. When they finally discover it they are going to light souls and the world on fire and to me, that is one of the most beautiful things to happen to a person. For as much as I think I want and am ready for a raging fire maybe all I need right now is someone with a match, a sparkler, and the ability to understand that my desires are stronger than the wants that slip from my mouth.
I find it interesting that I want to light my soul on fire and guard my heart. I’m not sure when one became more resilient than the other. I think our hearts are where we store our most precious memories and what we give to others in an attempt to show love and care. But these souls of ours- they are wild and deep and dope as fuck. They are really our trademark, our calling card, our place of trial and error. It’s not the place where my feelings come from but it’s the place where I don’t feel certain things for anyone else. And truly the soul always knows what to do to heal itself. Our greatest challenge is to silence our mind. I’ll take a soul, especially a soul with a spark over most things people have to offer.
I know that I’m an unfinished, tangled mess of courage, grace, and the unexpected. I crave people and their energy. I’m realizing that the fear of rejection is so limiting and no matter who leaves or stays no one can take away the dances I’ve already had. I challenge you to take a stand further outside your circle of norms and look around- there are so many things and experiences you can’t see from the middle. Leave pieces of yourself with people so you can feel the sunlight where those pieces use to be. Make people feel safe enough to listen to the words you speak, touch hearts, and forgive yourself for not having the foresight to know what’s now so obvious looking back.